I read somewhere that artists straddle the line between the desire to be seen and the desire to hide. That is precisely what I am pondering here on this monday morning. This year has shaken up my sense of direction in life whilst simultaneously plunging me deeper into my passions. I fear I am in so deep that I have no escape. The one foot I kept in the door of being a normal person with a normal job has long been following the other foot down into the basement. The stairs have disappeared and theres no way back into that old world I once knew. I can no longer retreat back to “safety” because the illusion of that being safe has since shattered. I am now getting used to this new terrain, but I still haven’t completely made sense of it. I might have found my path, but I am not sure where it’s leading me.
I know what it is that I’d like to do. I’d like to create. It is quite frankly the only way forward. When I am lost in creation I am not paranoid about my financial security, my and everyone I love’s certain mortality, and the impending doom of our society at large. When I am channeling that sacred energy none of that matters anymore. Death could come knocking in that exact moment and I’d go willingly. It’s the times when I am not creating that trouble me. It’s the times when I wonder how I will pay rent next month that I start to question the path I am on.
That’s why I bring up this misquoted idea of the artist juggling the desire for recognition and the need to stay hidden. I find that so many creators are going about it all wrong, they are selling the image of them creating in order to financially justify the creations themselves. The act of creating art has in a way become more valuable than the art itself, or maybe an invaluable aspect of the art itself. But I can’t help but see through the contradictions.
There is no doubting we currently live under constant surveillance. I saw a post on Substack the other day that said that our phones are in-fact listening to our every word, through vibrations as to circumvent privacy laws, but spying on us nonetheless. I’ve also heard people referring to the average human being as “laboring away in the data mines” with their hours of daily screen time, putting in free work for the tech billionaires to keep getting richer and more powerful. Simultaneously, when I think about the exposure these platforms give to artists so that they can pay their bills, I am conflicted. Straddling again the desire to have my work appreciated, while also yearning for a way to shun this entire online world that’s creating so much ugliness. My art itself is a critique of the world we live in, yet I need to engage in a form of hypocrisy in oder to stay surviving in this world.
There is no blueprint to follow, and I constantly feel conflicted. I keep all of these digital mediums at an arms length, and maintain strong boundaries with them. I also go long stretches of time without using them at all, especially when I am in my studio creating. Yet a part of me shames myself for it, tells me that I won’t make it anywhere doing things my way, tells me that I need to learn how to play the game like everyone else.
I looked around at the beauty around me- I live in probably one of the most stunning landscapes on earth (one of many). I wake up every morning to the gentle orchestra of nature, far away from the sounds of machinery/vehicles/airplanes. I know all of my neighbors, all 6 of them on our side of the valley. I commute each day to my charming ceramics studio, nestled into the romantic ancient city of Perugia. My studio sits tucked away, on a street that only allows foot traffic. Before arriving in this context I lived in Amsterdam, which was also beautiful in it’s own way but very different. I found city life was holding me back from creating, but provided a great economic landscape to earn money in. Now I have exactly the opposite situation - almost the perfect backdrop for creating, the only thing missing is a local economy that can allow me to flourish as a creator. Without access to a generous local clientele, the mind naturally travels to willing buyers elsewhere, and when my mind goes there I am caught in a contradiction - to be seen or to hide away?
The thought of commodifying my surroundings as the only path to a lucrative life as an artist does not sit right with me (and it feels overdone). I can’t take myself seriously as an artist and film myself with my phone for instagram stories. I cant use my home as a set or life as a part to be played out, a vision to be sold through perfectly posed images/videos. I’m in too deep and I can no longer live up there on the surface. It’s a lot more confusing and scary down here but it’s so much richer. I’ve broken through the threshold where real work is done, I guess now the task is to tune out the noise bleeding in from above the surface. For example, where I see other potters having wild financial success from turning their work into palatable and repeatable commodities to be sold to the masses. I must envision another way forward because I can’t force myself to do that.
I suppose I must conclude this here, I’m still in the soup of confusion and I have no polished answer to give you, my kind reader. I shall return to you once I have more insight, but I will leave you with one certainty. The path we must walk as artists is long and winding, the weather won’t always be favorable and there will be moments of reprieve as well as moments to endure. I’d take it all if that means I get to live my short life here on earth truly and deeply. I think it’s a giant falsehood that we need to compromise our values in order to be seen in this world, and I’m on a journey to find our how to get my art out there without doing so.
Any suggestions for me? Let’s chat.
